Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
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At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
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When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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