dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
