if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
