remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
