This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
