we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
