her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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