I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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