When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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