I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
