Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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