I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
