Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
