Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
