Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
