I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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