Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
