Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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