someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
