he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
