So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
