The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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