we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
