walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
