I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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