we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
