There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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