i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
tell me about the eggs
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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