i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
