In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
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if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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