1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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