I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
