I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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