I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
