wrigley field is MILF paradise
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
