Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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