we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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