I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
