so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
