new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
