Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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