life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
