Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
