I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
organizing the empties. That sober.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize
