so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
