Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
