I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
