Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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