Soap is not a condiment
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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