i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
