My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
