walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
