OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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