life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I feel like death gave me a hand job
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
