Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
