ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
