Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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