I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
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he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
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The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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