she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
