You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
