You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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