Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
